can i get a break?

dear God,

a confession.

sometimes, i get so mad at You. so mad. i'm stressed. and cranky. and tired. and probably hungry. and just mad. i would totally throw a shoe at You if i was strong enough to reach heaven.

i know, who am i to threaten God with a shoe? i'll tell you who...someone who is struggling. to pay her bills. to finish her overwhelming amount of schoolwork. to be a good friend and loving daughter. to keep a house clean without the much wanted help of a maid. seriously, this list could go on for days...

can i get a break? i mean it. with so much coming at me, it's all i can do to stay afloat. i don't want much. you know, just a decent job that covers my bills and uses my degree. a little more time to spend with loved ones. a little peace and quiet to spend time with You.

that's really what it boils down to...wanting more time with You. i pray for more depth in our relationship. more intimacy. a yearning to depend on You. to be better able to accept Your guidance and Your plan for my life.

instead, i spend my time fighting with you. granted, i love a good fight. and You always provide ;) but somehow, i make it through everything. all my bills get paid. my homework miraculously gets done before the deadline. my loved ones are smiling. and in my struggles, i spend more time with You.

whoa. wait. are You testing me? teaching me? reaching out to me?

when i'm comfortable and life is flowing, i don't have a need to seek You. we can catch up on sundays. no big deal. but when i'm struggling and busy and stressed and mad, its then i seek You the most. and depend on Your guidance and Spirit to make it through the day. i see what You are doing. sneaky. very sneaky.

i would rather be poor and overwhelmed and in a fight with You than comfortable and lazy and lacking a need for You. with these struggles comes such a strong desire to listen and seek out Your guidance. with every struggle survived comes more affirmation and faith. with every fight comes a strengthened and renewed relationship. with every realization of how You are working in my life, comes peace.

i hear what You're saying. let's hang out. we've got a lot to talk about. how incredibly lucky i am that You want to listen. and answer.
thank you. thank you.

love,
lindsay