I don't have a heart for homeless ministry.
But I cannot stop thinking about the homeless.
I've worked soup kitchens. In college, I helped organize homeless awareness weeks. I have slept in fundraising, cardboard box shanty towns on at least 8 different occasions. I keep water bottles in my car in the summer to give to the homeless. I have taken sociology classes directly focused on the homeless. Yet, I have never given a piece of my heart to the homeless ministry.
I'm not sure why. I knew all that I needed to know to be moved. I had all the awareness I needed to want action.
Maybe I just wasn't listening...
As this summer rolled around, something started stirring in my heart. I spent one day, just one, with a church that serves a homeless congregation. My heart hasn't let up since. All day long, I compare every step of my day to that of a homeless person. I have no idea what that feels like. I know what it looks like but no idea what it FEELS like.
Why have I never cared about this before? Why do I care now? Why do I need to know everything I can about what this life feels like? Why do I need to know about everything I can do outside of a soup kitchen or clothing closet? Why is this information so hard to come by?
Why do I feel like I'm the only one who is asking these questions?
There are so many misconceptions, generalizations, and poor attitudes directed at the homeless. Where are the real life stories? The real life questions? These people have become the vanishing marginalized. No one wants to talk about the homeless. No one wants to put a name to a homeless face. No one wants to know the story.
I don't want to be that person anymore.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
God is bossy. Hallelujah.
In two short weeks, God has taken a silly dream and started clearing the path to possibility.
Tomorrow morning, I will be meeting with the police chiefs in Catawba County. Police from other areas like Charlotte and Greensboro will also be in attendance. AND the attorney general for NC will be speaking. The main conversation will be about gang activity in Catawba County and what an affect community involvement can have on those in wrapped up in gang life. During all of this, I get to present the dream God gave me just two weeks ago. Whoa.
I have already met with some members of our community that have given me the green light and all the support I could have asked for. This meeting is the next step and then on to the grant writing. Whoa again.
So far, the program consists of gathering at-risk youth from local high schools, churches, etc...These kids will be given the opportunity to serve the needs of members of our community that would not otherwise be met. The needs will range from yard work to small home repairs to grocery runs. They will also be given the opportunity to work community events and help resurface buildings that have been tagged with gang graffiti.
As the program grows, the hope is to include convicts and those involved in gang initiatives that encourage education and finding "legit" employment. These guys will work with this program long enough to earn references that will help them find permanent work.
My other hope with this program is that it will decrease some of the racial tension in this county. With these kids and churches working together to increase the value of life for the entire community, different races will have to work side by side. The hope falls in this making it possible for them to learn more about each other, which is the first step in breaking down walls of ignorance and hatred.
I love when God is bossy and gives me the strength to act. I can't wait to see how this plays out!
Tomorrow morning, I will be meeting with the police chiefs in Catawba County. Police from other areas like Charlotte and Greensboro will also be in attendance. AND the attorney general for NC will be speaking. The main conversation will be about gang activity in Catawba County and what an affect community involvement can have on those in wrapped up in gang life. During all of this, I get to present the dream God gave me just two weeks ago. Whoa.
I have already met with some members of our community that have given me the green light and all the support I could have asked for. This meeting is the next step and then on to the grant writing. Whoa again.
So far, the program consists of gathering at-risk youth from local high schools, churches, etc...These kids will be given the opportunity to serve the needs of members of our community that would not otherwise be met. The needs will range from yard work to small home repairs to grocery runs. They will also be given the opportunity to work community events and help resurface buildings that have been tagged with gang graffiti.
As the program grows, the hope is to include convicts and those involved in gang initiatives that encourage education and finding "legit" employment. These guys will work with this program long enough to earn references that will help them find permanent work.
My other hope with this program is that it will decrease some of the racial tension in this county. With these kids and churches working together to increase the value of life for the entire community, different races will have to work side by side. The hope falls in this making it possible for them to learn more about each other, which is the first step in breaking down walls of ignorance and hatred.
I love when God is bossy and gives me the strength to act. I can't wait to see how this plays out!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Conflictions of love
As I write this, a lesbian pastor for the United Methodist Church is defending her life to the church. The state of New York is yet again taking a vote on gay marriage. As these events unfold, I feel compelled to work out my own sentiments. Both of these events are quite personal to my own struggles; struggles that I have long since conquered but have resurfaced with an onslaught of new questions.
I am a christian. I am also a lesbian. My love for Christ will always trump my attraction to women but they both make up a large part of who I am. During the years I spent struggling with my sexual identity, I received more love from my home church and other christian friends than I could have ever imagined. I believe part of that love was afforded me because they knew me personally; watching me grow up, shaping the person I would become, knowing my heart better than I did myself. I have never been so grateful to belong to such a loving group of people.
As Delong's case with the Methodist Church gets underway, I wonder what this will mean for my life, for her life, for the future of the church. Will this open the door for the General Conference to allow openly gay clergy? Gay marriage? Sanctified by the church I love? Will this tear apart my beloved church as it did with the Presbyterians? Is it irresponsible of the gay community to push this issue to the point of divide in the church?
I, for one, am still somewhat closeted for that very reason. My home church knows. My closest friends know. Some members of my new church know. However, I intentionally leave out the gay details of my life when doing work for Christ so that it never becomes a reason for someone to be led away from Him. I have never once thought pushing that was more important than bringing someone to Jesus or being able to encourage their walk. Although, I have let that deter me from joining the ministry. My heart lies in working with youth and young adults in the church.
I often wonder what it would be like to marry my love in our church, surrounded by family and friends, receiving the blessings of the church, from our pastors. What it would feel like to take the hand of the one person that has continually furthered and shared my relationship with God and commit my life to her. What it would feel like to start the beginning of our lives together in prayer with our church family, the family that helps guide our walk with Christ. And then I think forward-What would it be like to show a younger generation what a couple looks like that puts God at the center of their relationship? What would it be like when two people support and push each other to further God's work? I want these things.
How do these things look once combined? Am I being selfish in my desire for these things? Does my desire to love jeopardize my church? The faith of others? Newly beginning walks with God? How can I, in good conscience, want something that could be detrimental to the church that has helped shaped my entire way of life?
What do these things look like 5 years from now? 20 years from now? Will this still be an issue for my children and grandchildren? When you look back at other movements that came under great strife, you can see all of the benefits that came from that time. Standing in this period, wide eyed, fingers crossed, all that can be seen is the strife...
I am a christian. I am also a lesbian. My love for Christ will always trump my attraction to women but they both make up a large part of who I am. During the years I spent struggling with my sexual identity, I received more love from my home church and other christian friends than I could have ever imagined. I believe part of that love was afforded me because they knew me personally; watching me grow up, shaping the person I would become, knowing my heart better than I did myself. I have never been so grateful to belong to such a loving group of people.
As Delong's case with the Methodist Church gets underway, I wonder what this will mean for my life, for her life, for the future of the church. Will this open the door for the General Conference to allow openly gay clergy? Gay marriage? Sanctified by the church I love? Will this tear apart my beloved church as it did with the Presbyterians? Is it irresponsible of the gay community to push this issue to the point of divide in the church?
I, for one, am still somewhat closeted for that very reason. My home church knows. My closest friends know. Some members of my new church know. However, I intentionally leave out the gay details of my life when doing work for Christ so that it never becomes a reason for someone to be led away from Him. I have never once thought pushing that was more important than bringing someone to Jesus or being able to encourage their walk. Although, I have let that deter me from joining the ministry. My heart lies in working with youth and young adults in the church.
I often wonder what it would be like to marry my love in our church, surrounded by family and friends, receiving the blessings of the church, from our pastors. What it would feel like to take the hand of the one person that has continually furthered and shared my relationship with God and commit my life to her. What it would feel like to start the beginning of our lives together in prayer with our church family, the family that helps guide our walk with Christ. And then I think forward-What would it be like to show a younger generation what a couple looks like that puts God at the center of their relationship? What would it be like when two people support and push each other to further God's work? I want these things.
How do these things look once combined? Am I being selfish in my desire for these things? Does my desire to love jeopardize my church? The faith of others? Newly beginning walks with God? How can I, in good conscience, want something that could be detrimental to the church that has helped shaped my entire way of life?
What do these things look like 5 years from now? 20 years from now? Will this still be an issue for my children and grandchildren? When you look back at other movements that came under great strife, you can see all of the benefits that came from that time. Standing in this period, wide eyed, fingers crossed, all that can be seen is the strife...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
more than a dream?
last night, i had the most incredible dream. of course, it's starts with winning the lottery ;) however, that wasn't the incredible part. i took that lottery money and turned it over to God in a way that i couldn't have thought of while awake.
i bought a building downtown. told the gang initiative out of hickory to send me all the guys in their program. called the local high schools and told them to send me their at-risk kids. called the local churches and told them to send me any kids they had concerns about.
i then went out into the neighborhood and found people that needed help. all kinds of people; elderly, disabled, down and out, poor. all kinds of help; lawn work, small home repairs, walking dogs, grocery runs. i then went to the police department and got permission to repaint buildings that had gang tags on them.
the more work these guys did, the more requests came in. churches starting offering help. people and businesses in the community stepped up their support. it. was. awesome!
and then i woke up. got ready for work. dragged myself into the office. checked the local newspaper to see if anything interesting had happened overnight. and stumbled across this article: http://www2.hickoryrecord.com/news/2011/jun/11/one-child-time-ar-1113374/ about a preacher working to give kids a chance outside of gang life.
now, he has a whole church to support and house this program. but i'm sure it didn't happen overnight. so, this dream is not impossible.
and God works miracles.
i bought a building downtown. told the gang initiative out of hickory to send me all the guys in their program. called the local high schools and told them to send me their at-risk kids. called the local churches and told them to send me any kids they had concerns about.
i then went out into the neighborhood and found people that needed help. all kinds of people; elderly, disabled, down and out, poor. all kinds of help; lawn work, small home repairs, walking dogs, grocery runs. i then went to the police department and got permission to repaint buildings that had gang tags on them.
the more work these guys did, the more requests came in. churches starting offering help. people and businesses in the community stepped up their support. it. was. awesome!
and then i woke up. got ready for work. dragged myself into the office. checked the local newspaper to see if anything interesting had happened overnight. and stumbled across this article: http://www2.hickoryrecord.com/news/2011/jun/11/one-child-time-ar-1113374/ about a preacher working to give kids a chance outside of gang life.
now, he has a whole church to support and house this program. but i'm sure it didn't happen overnight. so, this dream is not impossible.
and God works miracles.
Monday, June 13, 2011
making moves
dear God,
a confession.
i've gotten really good at ignoring Your calling. like, 27 years of ignoring, good. and You continue to come after me. to the point where my brain is clouded. so many questions. so much desire to follow. so much resistance that i don't know where to start.
if i throw out all of the questions, maybe my mind will have a chance to calm down. and then, i will be able to hear You.
here goes...
if You're going to keep riding my ass, i'm going to need to know what it is that You want from me. i love that i can't hide from You, even when i want to. i love that Your work is always on my mind. i love that Your people are becoming more and more present in my thoughts on what to do with myself. but...i have no idea how to go about these things. a little help, please?
youth work slash young adult ministry is almost always in the forefront of mind. i dream about seminary. i dream about leaving my corporate job and finding something that fulfills Your desire. i dream about picking up whatever tools i might need and heading out into the community, finding people that need You and sharing You with them. i stay full of resentment towards the direction i see today's youth heading and even more full of hope that i can help change that. but i just don't know where to go from here.
i don't have the money to go back to school. do i even need to go to seminary to change the world? what are my options? can You point me in the right direction? how do i oppose the inner-workings of a church that has operated in the same way for a million years? how can i take the youth in this area from the status-quo to doing Your work? how can i break this down so it doesn't seem so overwhelming?
alright, just breathe. i know You have a plan. and i know that it's awesome. and i know You want me to be a part of it. there's nothing more i need to know. please give me the clarity to see what my part of that plan is, to give me the strength to follow Your direction, the courage to leave behind my own constraints and worries.
let's do this.
a confession.
i've gotten really good at ignoring Your calling. like, 27 years of ignoring, good. and You continue to come after me. to the point where my brain is clouded. so many questions. so much desire to follow. so much resistance that i don't know where to start.
if i throw out all of the questions, maybe my mind will have a chance to calm down. and then, i will be able to hear You.
here goes...
if You're going to keep riding my ass, i'm going to need to know what it is that You want from me. i love that i can't hide from You, even when i want to. i love that Your work is always on my mind. i love that Your people are becoming more and more present in my thoughts on what to do with myself. but...i have no idea how to go about these things. a little help, please?
youth work slash young adult ministry is almost always in the forefront of mind. i dream about seminary. i dream about leaving my corporate job and finding something that fulfills Your desire. i dream about picking up whatever tools i might need and heading out into the community, finding people that need You and sharing You with them. i stay full of resentment towards the direction i see today's youth heading and even more full of hope that i can help change that. but i just don't know where to go from here.
i don't have the money to go back to school. do i even need to go to seminary to change the world? what are my options? can You point me in the right direction? how do i oppose the inner-workings of a church that has operated in the same way for a million years? how can i take the youth in this area from the status-quo to doing Your work? how can i break this down so it doesn't seem so overwhelming?
alright, just breathe. i know You have a plan. and i know that it's awesome. and i know You want me to be a part of it. there's nothing more i need to know. please give me the clarity to see what my part of that plan is, to give me the strength to follow Your direction, the courage to leave behind my own constraints and worries.
let's do this.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
can i get a break?
dear God,
a confession.
sometimes, i get so mad at You. so mad. i'm stressed. and cranky. and tired. and probably hungry. and just mad. i would totally throw a shoe at You if i was strong enough to reach heaven.
i know, who am i to threaten God with a shoe? i'll tell you who...someone who is struggling. to pay her bills. to finish her overwhelming amount of schoolwork. to be a good friend and loving daughter. to keep a house clean without the much wanted help of a maid. seriously, this list could go on for days...
can i get a break? i mean it. with so much coming at me, it's all i can do to stay afloat. i don't want much. you know, just a decent job that covers my bills and uses my degree. a little more time to spend with loved ones. a little peace and quiet to spend time with You.
that's really what it boils down to...wanting more time with You. i pray for more depth in our relationship. more intimacy. a yearning to depend on You. to be better able to accept Your guidance and Your plan for my life.
instead, i spend my time fighting with you. granted, i love a good fight. and You always provide ;) but somehow, i make it through everything. all my bills get paid. my homework miraculously gets done before the deadline. my loved ones are smiling. and in my struggles, i spend more time with You.
whoa. wait. are You testing me? teaching me? reaching out to me?
when i'm comfortable and life is flowing, i don't have a need to seek You. we can catch up on sundays. no big deal. but when i'm struggling and busy and stressed and mad, its then i seek You the most. and depend on Your guidance and Spirit to make it through the day. i see what You are doing. sneaky. very sneaky.
i would rather be poor and overwhelmed and in a fight with You than comfortable and lazy and lacking a need for You. with these struggles comes such a strong desire to listen and seek out Your guidance. with every struggle survived comes more affirmation and faith. with every fight comes a strengthened and renewed relationship. with every realization of how You are working in my life, comes peace.
i hear what You're saying. let's hang out. we've got a lot to talk about. how incredibly lucky i am that You want to listen. and answer.
thank you. thank you.
love,
lindsay
a confession.
sometimes, i get so mad at You. so mad. i'm stressed. and cranky. and tired. and probably hungry. and just mad. i would totally throw a shoe at You if i was strong enough to reach heaven.
i know, who am i to threaten God with a shoe? i'll tell you who...someone who is struggling. to pay her bills. to finish her overwhelming amount of schoolwork. to be a good friend and loving daughter. to keep a house clean without the much wanted help of a maid. seriously, this list could go on for days...
can i get a break? i mean it. with so much coming at me, it's all i can do to stay afloat. i don't want much. you know, just a decent job that covers my bills and uses my degree. a little more time to spend with loved ones. a little peace and quiet to spend time with You.
that's really what it boils down to...wanting more time with You. i pray for more depth in our relationship. more intimacy. a yearning to depend on You. to be better able to accept Your guidance and Your plan for my life.
instead, i spend my time fighting with you. granted, i love a good fight. and You always provide ;) but somehow, i make it through everything. all my bills get paid. my homework miraculously gets done before the deadline. my loved ones are smiling. and in my struggles, i spend more time with You.
whoa. wait. are You testing me? teaching me? reaching out to me?
when i'm comfortable and life is flowing, i don't have a need to seek You. we can catch up on sundays. no big deal. but when i'm struggling and busy and stressed and mad, its then i seek You the most. and depend on Your guidance and Spirit to make it through the day. i see what You are doing. sneaky. very sneaky.
i would rather be poor and overwhelmed and in a fight with You than comfortable and lazy and lacking a need for You. with these struggles comes such a strong desire to listen and seek out Your guidance. with every struggle survived comes more affirmation and faith. with every fight comes a strengthened and renewed relationship. with every realization of how You are working in my life, comes peace.
i hear what You're saying. let's hang out. we've got a lot to talk about. how incredibly lucky i am that You want to listen. and answer.
thank you. thank you.
love,
lindsay
Friday, October 30, 2009
about heaven...
dear God,
a confession.
some folks and the Bible tell me that heaven is where we will take our given place and sing Your praises for all of eternity. forgive me because until today, that was the most boring thing i have ever heard. especially for heaven.
hear me out...this what i used to think: seriously? singing? forever? lame. we, i, work and strive to live the life You have set before us and our reward (for lack of a better word) is singing? seriously?
i can't even sing. it is actually pretty horrible. ask anyone who has to ride with me in the car. or anyone who is within a five-mile radius of me when michael jackson comes on the radio. i don't even like to hear myself sing. and that's what i get to do for eternity? seriously?
but today, a revelation happened. if you can call it that...maybe more like me getting over myself and out of my own way so that i can see how truly awesome/amazing/loving/wonderful You are and how awesome heaven will be. even with all that singing. BECAUSE of all that singing.
revelation story: i'm driving home. long day at work. really long. and there's homework waiting for me at the house. and grey's anatomy, of course (don't judge me. well ok, since its You, God, i guess You can) i'm trying to find the perfect song on the ipod. to sing at the top of my lungs. because really, even those of us that can't sing, love love love to belt it out going down the highway. to forget our troubles by becoming our own one man rockband. but because i can't maneuver that little ipod click wheel very well while i'm driving (i know, i know. bad idea. i'm a good driver, promise) i keep clicking on the same song. over and over. so i give in and let it play. (here comes the shameless plug for phil wickham, whose music i adore) heaven song is playing and i start singing at the top of my lungs. i'm immediately swept into that worshipful place and i get lost in Your praises. i feel Your overwhelming love radiate through me. tingling through my fingertips and guiding my way home. a solid moment of pure joy. peace. a glimpse of what heaven must be...
and in that moment, i realize how lame i am. lame to doubt You, to doubt what You have planned for me. for i cannot sing but i love to, loudly. that the sound of my singing is pretty much offensive but You want/desire to hear it. that i find joy and peace in letting go of my troubles through singing "little red corvette" obnoxiously out the window of my, thankfully, earless explorer. that i am at my happiest when Your Holy Spirit catches ahold of me and i can feel nothing but Your embrace of love. that when i'm singing Your praises, Your Holy Spirit grips me the tightest. so tight that i can barely breathe. and all i know in those moments are You.
how incredibly lucky i will be to get to heaven and take my place in Your choir.
I. CAN. NOT. FREAKING. WAIT!
thank you. thank you.
love,
lindsay
Heaven Song: Phil Wickham
http://philwickham.com
You wrote a letter and You signed Your name
Em D/F# G C
I read ever word Read it page by page
Em
You said that You'd be coming
D/F# G
Coming for me soon
Em D/F# C G
Oh my God I'll be ready for You
Chorus:
C G
('Cause) I want to run on greener pastures
D Em
I want to dance on higher hills
C G
I want to drink from sweeter waters
D Em
In the misty morning chill
C G
And my soul is getting restless
D Em
For the place where I belong
C G D
I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song
Verse 2:
Em D/F# G
I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
Em D/F# G C
Well done my child enter in, and rest
Em D/F# G
As tears of joy roll down my cheek
Em D/F# C G
Oh it's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams
Chorus x2
a confession.
some folks and the Bible tell me that heaven is where we will take our given place and sing Your praises for all of eternity. forgive me because until today, that was the most boring thing i have ever heard. especially for heaven.
hear me out...this what i used to think: seriously? singing? forever? lame. we, i, work and strive to live the life You have set before us and our reward (for lack of a better word) is singing? seriously?
i can't even sing. it is actually pretty horrible. ask anyone who has to ride with me in the car. or anyone who is within a five-mile radius of me when michael jackson comes on the radio. i don't even like to hear myself sing. and that's what i get to do for eternity? seriously?
but today, a revelation happened. if you can call it that...maybe more like me getting over myself and out of my own way so that i can see how truly awesome/amazing/loving/wonderful You are and how awesome heaven will be. even with all that singing. BECAUSE of all that singing.
revelation story: i'm driving home. long day at work. really long. and there's homework waiting for me at the house. and grey's anatomy, of course (don't judge me. well ok, since its You, God, i guess You can) i'm trying to find the perfect song on the ipod. to sing at the top of my lungs. because really, even those of us that can't sing, love love love to belt it out going down the highway. to forget our troubles by becoming our own one man rockband. but because i can't maneuver that little ipod click wheel very well while i'm driving (i know, i know. bad idea. i'm a good driver, promise) i keep clicking on the same song. over and over. so i give in and let it play. (here comes the shameless plug for phil wickham, whose music i adore) heaven song is playing and i start singing at the top of my lungs. i'm immediately swept into that worshipful place and i get lost in Your praises. i feel Your overwhelming love radiate through me. tingling through my fingertips and guiding my way home. a solid moment of pure joy. peace. a glimpse of what heaven must be...
and in that moment, i realize how lame i am. lame to doubt You, to doubt what You have planned for me. for i cannot sing but i love to, loudly. that the sound of my singing is pretty much offensive but You want/desire to hear it. that i find joy and peace in letting go of my troubles through singing "little red corvette" obnoxiously out the window of my, thankfully, earless explorer. that i am at my happiest when Your Holy Spirit catches ahold of me and i can feel nothing but Your embrace of love. that when i'm singing Your praises, Your Holy Spirit grips me the tightest. so tight that i can barely breathe. and all i know in those moments are You.
how incredibly lucky i will be to get to heaven and take my place in Your choir.
I. CAN. NOT. FREAKING. WAIT!
thank you. thank you.
love,
lindsay
Heaven Song: Phil Wickham
http://philwickham.com
You wrote a letter and You signed Your name
Em D/F# G C
I read ever word Read it page by page
Em
You said that You'd be coming
D/F# G
Coming for me soon
Em D/F# C G
Oh my God I'll be ready for You
Chorus:
C G
('Cause) I want to run on greener pastures
D Em
I want to dance on higher hills
C G
I want to drink from sweeter waters
D Em
In the misty morning chill
C G
And my soul is getting restless
D Em
For the place where I belong
C G D
I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song
Verse 2:
Em D/F# G
I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
Em D/F# G C
Well done my child enter in, and rest
Em D/F# G
As tears of joy roll down my cheek
Em D/F# C G
Oh it's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams
Chorus x2
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