making moves

dear God,

a confession.

i've gotten really good at ignoring Your calling. like, 27 years of ignoring, good. and You continue to come after me. to the point where my brain is clouded. so many questions. so much desire to follow. so much resistance that i don't know where to start.

if i throw out all of the questions, maybe my mind will have a chance to calm down. and then, i will be able to hear You.

here goes...
if You're going to keep riding my ass, i'm going to need to know what it is that You want from me. i love that i can't hide from You, even when i want to. i love that Your work is always on my mind. i love that Your people are becoming more and more present in my thoughts on what to do with myself. but...i have no idea how to go about these things. a little help, please?

youth work slash young adult ministry is almost always in the forefront of mind. i dream about seminary. i dream about leaving my corporate job and finding something that fulfills Your desire. i dream about picking up whatever tools i might need and heading out into the community, finding people that need You and sharing You with them. i stay full of resentment towards the direction i see today's youth heading and even more full of hope that i can help change that. but i just don't know where to go from here.

i don't have the money to go back to school. do i even need to go to seminary to change the world? what are my options? can You point me in the right direction? how do i oppose the inner-workings of a church that has operated in the same way for a million years? how can i take the youth in this area from the status-quo to doing Your work? how can i break this down so it doesn't seem so overwhelming?

alright, just breathe. i know You have a plan. and i know that it's awesome. and i know You want me to be a part of it. there's nothing more i need to know. please give me the clarity to see what my part of that plan is, to give me the strength to follow Your direction, the courage to leave behind my own constraints and worries.

let's do this.