As I write this, a lesbian pastor for the United Methodist Church is defending her life to the church. The state of New York is yet again taking a vote on gay marriage. As these events unfold, I feel compelled to work out my own sentiments. Both of these events are quite personal to my own struggles; struggles that I have long since conquered but have resurfaced with an onslaught of new questions.
I am a christian. I am also a lesbian. My love for Christ will always trump my attraction to women but they both make up a large part of who I am. During the years I spent struggling with my sexual identity, I received more love from my home church and other christian friends than I could have ever imagined. I believe part of that love was afforded me because they knew me personally; watching me grow up, shaping the person I would become, knowing my heart better than I did myself. I have never been so grateful to belong to such a loving group of people.
As Delong's case with the Methodist Church gets underway, I wonder what this will mean for my life, for her life, for the future of the church. Will this open the door for the General Conference to allow openly gay clergy? Gay marriage? Sanctified by the church I love? Will this tear apart my beloved church as it did with the Presbyterians? Is it irresponsible of the gay community to push this issue to the point of divide in the church?
I, for one, am still somewhat closeted for that very reason. My home church knows. My closest friends know. Some members of my new church know. However, I intentionally leave out the gay details of my life when doing work for Christ so that it never becomes a reason for someone to be led away from Him. I have never once thought pushing that was more important than bringing someone to Jesus or being able to encourage their walk. Although, I have let that deter me from joining the ministry. My heart lies in working with youth and young adults in the church.
I often wonder what it would be like to marry my love in our church, surrounded by family and friends, receiving the blessings of the church, from our pastors. What it would feel like to take the hand of the one person that has continually furthered and shared my relationship with God and commit my life to her. What it would feel like to start the beginning of our lives together in prayer with our church family, the family that helps guide our walk with Christ. And then I think forward-What would it be like to show a younger generation what a couple looks like that puts God at the center of their relationship? What would it be like when two people support and push each other to further God's work? I want these things.
How do these things look once combined? Am I being selfish in my desire for these things? Does my desire to love jeopardize my church? The faith of others? Newly beginning walks with God? How can I, in good conscience, want something that could be detrimental to the church that has helped shaped my entire way of life?
What do these things look like 5 years from now? 20 years from now? Will this still be an issue for my children and grandchildren? When you look back at other movements that came under great strife, you can see all of the benefits that came from that time. Standing in this period, wide eyed, fingers crossed, all that can be seen is the strife...
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Lindsay,
ReplyDeleteI think it is so ironic that an organization that is supposed to be known for our love could cause so much strife to someone such as yourself when even the US military has already made accommodations to accept those that are different within their organizations. It is sad to me that a nation could be seen as more equitable than the church.
So rather than someone who causes tension and stirs up trouble in the church, we tend to see folks like you as pioneers of a new and evolving church that includes rather than excludes.
Strife is not caused by those seeking more love, more grace, more compassion, but by those that do not want those things. Yes there are a few militant groups that come along with their we don't want to wait attitudes that stir the pot, but for the most part stirring may be necessary.
Jesus came to give us life and that more abundantly, then he proceeded to show us what that meant. His words are strong for those that would withold their love and compassion and grace for those folks that he considered Blessed, due to their own narrow view of the world.
If Jesus were walking the earth today, I believ he would add, "Blessed are the LGBTQ members of our world, for theirs is the kingdom of god and unadulterated love.". Sorry for the typos... My iPad is acting crazy. ;)
All I can do is hope for the day when the *least* important element of a marriage is the gender of the partners. I think that, in many ways, the battle is fought so that our children and grandchildren can be puzzled - so that they can say, "why was that even an issue?"
ReplyDeleteHow can wanting to serve Christ as who you really are be a detriment to the Church? How can a church showing love and acceptance to *all* people jeopardize the Church?
There's a term in Islam for the period just before the dawn. It's "al-fedjr," and I'm faithful that the term applies here. It's dark, and there are struggles. But the dawn IS coming.
Nice blog...
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ReplyDeleteIt must be strange to have a complete stranger from the Northwest become your first follower. Because I have my own blog, I know it can be fun to get a random follower, but I was hesitant. However, this post convinced me being drawn to your blog was not an accident. I hope your encouraged to know there are many of us who share your beautiful dream and are trusting God to bring it about. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your kind words and encouragement! Your affirmation has been an incredible source of strength. I can not wait for the day when what is stirred up in God's people is not tension and hate but love and compassion! May God bless all of your lives :)
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